There are plenty of so-called inspiring people getting about the place these days, all with sage words of advice for us all to live better, healthier, happier lives. They’re all over the ‘feel-good vibe’ like a fat man on a slab of Streets Viennetta.
They’re hanging up mini macrame thingos called ‘dream catchers’ and getting about the place sprouting incredible mantras like ‘Stop saying I wish and start saying I will’, ‘If you can’t find the sunshine, be the sunshine’, ‘Turn your wounds into wisdom’, ‘When it rains, look for rainbows, when it’s dark look for stars’, ‘Every flower must grow through dirt’ and yadda yadda yadda, what a load of bollocks.
Sure they’re all dreamy, wistful sayings that look great on a fancy calendar or a coffee shop sandwich board, but where are the everyday reality-check sayings that we can actually all relate to?
Introducing Toddy’s ‘real-life mottos’ to help get you through the day.
In an off-balance, selfie-obsessed world where we have even allowed someone to invent high-heel Crocs. Yes you read right, I think they’re called ‘Creels’ (just another example of us stepping further away from the light of Jesus and into the darkness of hell). So we need to right ourselves with some everyday stabilising mantras that everyone can dig.
Here’s my basic starter package sayings to help you live a happier life”
‘Plan for tomorrow, live for today, blame yesterday on the booze.’
‘Have patience and eventually all your enemies will die of natural causes.’
‘God grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and a dog that knows karate.’
‘When life gives you lemons, slice those bad boys up and find some tequila.’
‘If you don’t have anything nice to say, say it sarcastically.’
‘Be nice to nerds – chances are you’ll end up working for one.’
‘You’ll never be sad if you’re holding a cupcake.’
‘If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.’
‘Stuff it, just wing it.’ (My usual quote about something I definitely should not wing.)
‘You are unique. Nothing can ever replace you. Unless you’re an identical twin. Then one of you has to go.’
‘Keep Calm and Bacon-on.’ (Let’s face it, bacon is just another word for meat candy.)
‘Give up on your dreams, so you can free up some time to get some actual stuff done.’
‘You’re never alone, as long as you owe someone, somewhere, money.’
‘It’s okay to eat an entire pizza by yourself. Trust the crust.’
And when things are super bad:
‘Just chuck it in the %$#@ it bucket and move on.’
There, real everyday inspirational quotes to help you navigate this savage world. Don’t mention it, you’re welcome.