OK we have known each other for a little while now, so it is time to get intimate.
How often do you wash your towels, sheets and knickers?
A survey came out this week that says we should all be washing our towels every two days or every three uses. I find that ridiculous.
Before I had kids, I had a set day on the weekend I would wash all my sheets and towels and start the week with a fresh mind and fresh linen.
I would play awesome reggae and light candles and faff about the house feeling like Martha Stewart.
My house was actually clean because I did not have an army of small hands trashing it.
Back then I’d think I was tired if I stayed up nightclubbing until 2am and then slept in until 11am.
The young and beautiful people at work whinge to me they are soooo tired from staying up playing computer games or from binge watching some cool show on Netflix.
It was clearly a rough morning for them as they chewed slowly on their organic muesli and enjoyed an entire cup of hot chai latte after a yoga workout.
Remember those days? I always smile and say, “That is no good you poor tired thing! Have a coffee and hang in there.”
But in my head, I am imagining slapping them.
Because for seven years I have been limping by on cold half cups of coffee and four or five hours of sleep thanks to sharing my bed with little terrorists.
A good night’s sleep is my ultimate fantasy.
And I also have one about Ryan Gosling taking his shirt off to rescue a puppy while we are playing a game of tennis together.
Anyway, these days the frequency of changing my sheets or towel is a bit more hit and miss.
I do at least two loads of washing every day, but washing the towels and sheets is considered a luxury.
Unless they have vomit, or worse, on them, which they frequently do. And you know what? That does not even bother me anymore.
The survey showed the average man aged between 18 and 30 washed his pyjamas every 13 days, while women waited for 17 days.
I change my pyjamas daily. My sleeves are tissues for little noses. My top is a drool zone for when the three-year-old drifts off to sleep on me.
My bottoms lie in my bed that is frequently covered in wee. Am I sharing too much?
The fact that shocked me was that a quarter of all men change their underwear every two days.
What the heck? Fungus could be growing in your dacks after 48 hours, lads.
These experts claim we should wash our towels every two days to stop bacteria from our dead skin cells from thriving.
They say we should wash our pyjamas and sheets every week. And wash our undies every day.
I just hope we are still friends after my confession session.