Friends, did I ever mention that my great-grandfather invented the cold air balloon? Sadly, it never really took off. Having said that his grandson, my uncle Frank, has invented coffins made entirely of Perspex and glass. How will the business go? Remains to be seen. The council rang me yesterday, told me my dog needs to be restrained, she’s been seen chasing people on bikes. That’s rubbish, my dog doesn’t even have bikes.
Yeah, it’s been a while since we dipped into the vast collection of nonsensical dad jokes that rule my life, we even have a segment on my radio show where the people compete for a life changing meat tray for the best/worst/lamest dad joke.
To be fair not all dad jokes defy modern science in that they suck and blow at the same time. These days most DJ’s are actually pretty clever. There’s a subtle art to the delivery of a dad joke and only a fully licensed dad will know the nuances needed. There needs to be a sweet build up, a crushing punchline delivery and a little cackle at your own joke at the end. Sure, laughing at your own joke is like hi-fiving yourself in public, but when it comes to dad jokes, anything goes.
Try some of these little beauties on for size this coming weekend.
I’m adopted, you already know that but what you don’t know is that I was raised by a pack of wild hyenas. Times were tough and food was scarce, but boy did we laugh.
An elephant turns to a naked bloke and says, “Sure that thing’s cute and all but can it pick up peanuts?”.
I went to the doctor with a piece of lettuce sticking out my ear. The doctor said, “What’s going on here?” I said, “Well Doc, that’s just the tip of the iceberg.”
A young kid asks his dad, “How come my sister’s name is Rose?” The dad says, “That’s because your mum loves roses son”. The boy says, “Okay, so what about me?” The dad replies, “Well that’s a long story Toohey’s Extra Dry.”
I bought my buddy an elephant for his room. He said “thanks”, I said “don’t mention it”.
My wife came out of the bathroom and I told her she had drawn her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
I stopped in at the Mr Whippy van and asked for a chocolate cone. The guy said, “Hundreds and thousands?” I said, “How about we start with just one?”
I saw a guy at the ATM and he only had one leg. I said, “Are you okay mate?” He said “Yeah I’m checking my balance.”
AND FINALLY… one of my all time favourites.
Two nuns are driving home from church and a vampire jumps on the bonnet of the old Mazda. The young nun shouts out, “Sister what do I do?” The older nun says, “Quick my child, show him your cross.” So the younger nun leans out he window and yells at the vampire, “Get off the bonnet ya idiot!”
Hopefully you can crack a cold frothy one this weekend and dine out on some of these rippers. Me, I’m off to cook up my favourite beaver curry now, it’s just like a normal curry but a bit otter. Sorry.